I know, I know I've let you down
I've been a fool to myself
I thought I could
live for no one else
But not through all the hurt and pain
Its time for me to respect
the ones you love
mean more than anything
So with sadness in my heart
I feel the best thing I could do
is end it all
and leave forever
whats done is done, it feels so bad
what once was happy now is sad
I'll never love again
my world is ending

I wish that I could turn back time
cos now the guilt is all mine
cant live without the trust from the ones you love.
I know we can't forget the past
you cant forget love and pride
because of that its killing me inside

It all returns to nothing, it all comes
tumbling down, tumbling down,
tumbling down,
it all returns to nothing, I just keep
letting me down, letting me down,
letting me down,
in my heart of hearts,
I know that I called never love again
I've lost everything
everything
that matters to me,
matter in this world

I wish that I could turn back time
cos now all the guilt is mine
cant live without
the trust from those you love
I know we can't forget the past
you can't forget love and pride
because of that, its killing me inside

It all returns to nothing, it all comes
tumbling down, tumbling down,
tumbling down
it all returns to nothing, I just keep
letting me down, letting me down,
letting me down
It all returns to nothing, it all comes
tumbling down, tumbling down,
tumbling down
it all returns to nothing, I just keep
letting me down, letting me down,
letting me down

First Day, 28 Aug 2006 (GMT -08:00) :

Got out of the bed in the morning at  6.30am.

Yap, It's my first day of school.

Had breakfast with a cup of Milk, a cup of Coffee and some popcorn chicken.

The coffee that i made on the day was really terrible. Through some careless, i pour too much Maple Syrupe in the cup (almost about 1/3 cup). I tried to add more coffee to make it better, but it was really too sweet for me. Moreover, I realize that I don't have any coffeemate, as such ,i used fresh milk instead.

While having my meal, I was reading  my fiction -涼宮ハルヒの憂鬱 at the same time. I finished by meal at about 7.00 (slow) and keep on reading till about 7.20am before going out of the house.

With nothing much in the bad,  I cycled to my school in 15 minute. After spanding 10minute looking for place to park my bike, I went to the the school with a nervous heart.

well... noone in the school. am i too early. Went into the office and say hi to the officer. I said that I was coming for the first time. After some questioning, she was not too surre what to do with me ,too. I asked her what is the usual time for schooling and she said that it's about 9.00am (It was about 8.00 at the time.)

She told me that the officer, Ms Robinson, in charge of the international student will only be in the school 10 minutes later.

As such, I sit down and started read Time that was on the table.

After 10 minutes, 15 minutes..... nothing happened.

I stand up and ask the officer for washroom and she said that it is on the second floor.

After some lost in the corridors, I found a door with a sign said "Boy's washroom".

I opened the door and realize that it's was in complete darkness...

I tried to find the switch and i found something that look like a switch. However, i tried hard to turn it on, i just can't switch it.

Back to the office, she was sorry that she forget that the switch needs a key to turn it.

With that, I ask for the key, but she didn't have it.

Then she said that i can use the the staff Washroom for this time.

That's quite interesting. Hahas.

 

And at about 8.35, Ms Robinson came. She is a old lady with smile on her face all the time.

I was asked to sit outside of her room for waiting..

Untill 9.00, Lots of Teacher came into the office.

A teacher, Ms Mingo, ask me what am i looking for? and I said that I was not too sure, too.

She said that if I'm in grade 11, then I should look for her. Before answering, Ms Robinson called me in (finaly).

hmmm... She told me that I need to go to Killarney School for a briefing for International Students.

"er... I'm not sure how"" Where is that place?"

 

In the end, the school called a taxi for me. The officer told me that the Taxi is in yellow because it's a " Yellow Cab".... (=.=|||) cold~~~

The Texi fee was really OMG!!! CAD$ 30++ for a 10min trip!! However I was so glad to know that the bill will go to the School. (so cool!)

Joined the brifing for international students.

I joined the Chinese group.

sitting at late rol of the hall.

I was really fine listening at the speaker but wasn't understand what is the translater trying to say.....

After a LLLLLLLoooonnnnnnngggggggg briefing.

It dismissed at about 3 o'clock (super long)

 

The problem came in here. How do I  go home???!!

er.... phone home but realize that there is noon at home.

Next, I asked the briefing teacher about how can i go home.

She asked me to wait a while. Next, She came back with a really TALL white guy, Mr. Bob.

He was a school Counselor.

One of the big shots of the School board i  think

He said that he was going to downtown, so he can send me home on the way.

With that, I took his Honda roadstar home.

What a fun fun fun day!!

 

asleep from 4.00pm to 7.00pm....

 

 

Day 2  ,29 Aug 2006 (GMT -08:00) :

 

Overslept untail 7.00 am...

have breakfast with well... the same as yesterday..

Too much milk today... kind of odd taste...

walk to the busstop at 7.35am

take bus no. 10 to Victoria.... get down a stop earlier...

walk to the next stop to take bus 20....

change bus a 49 street..

reached Killarney at 8.40am

 

Starting for test.

English was sooooo easy..

unbelievable...

Math....er... well.... didn't see her for three month..

I think had forgetten me..

Get it through slowly.

 

finished early and go home

by buses.

hahas!!

 

tomorrow need to go to Templeton for school (finally)

 

Philharmoniker

 

Vancouver

30 Aug 2006 AD

1.15 am

 

 

P.S. Sorry to my dear Band member... I'll write about the POP 2006 during weekend i think!

well.. POP is finally over.. After such a long time and waiting .
My job of the band was over, too. I'm no more a band member.
Actually, I have no any right to make any comments here.

After all, I'm no more a Principal Player nor a Concert Master.

The only thing that left is my love to this band.

That's also the only reason  for me to speak about this band here.

 

 

I guess that I'll be soon forgeten by this band.

I'm just a noumal band member of a hundreds in the band history.

Think again, I didn't do much for the band.

Looking back, I was the first few sec 1 students that put my name on the paper of the band booth that said "interested to join" on the day of CCA Showcase 2004.

The flyer of the band of the CCA showcase 2004 is still keep in my file.

That's how I joined the BBSS Concert Band.

 

On the first band practice, the Cadet was told to try out all the instruments.

I tried on the flute and i told Cindy that I wolud like to become a Flutist.

After trying out everythings, I told Mr Goh that I want to join the Flutes.

Hence, I became a flutist.

Why flute?

Because I was a Recordist? I like woodwind?

well.. maybe, but the biggest reason why is just that, personal love.

Hard to explain I guess.

After the asigning of each everyone's section.

My section mates are Cheryl, Jian Yun and YoungMin with other four seniors, Cindy, Stephanie, Evon, Ashikin, Daaniel.

and I was told that we need to bring a flute home to get used to it.

Ladies first, after given the flutes of the girls'.

When it's my turn, there is no more Flute that is not in used.

hmmm...sad...

but  next someone remind them that the flutist of  sec 2 quit the band.

and hence i was asign the flute of hers. I guess it's the better flute (I mean the condition) of the Selmen.

 

I love it, and I work hard. very hard I think.

However, I just don't really like the old flute of the school.

Next I was given a old flute by my Church Conductor.

Even it's old, It's still better than the one of school.

I work even harder. indeed.

Practice everyday. I just wish that one day i can become like Cindy, playing the solo line and play the piccolo (because Piccolo is SOOO Cute!!)

With the passion, I playing gets better day by day.

I sit between Ashikin and Daniel and laugh about their lame jokes every day.

 

And there comes the Moment 2004.

the Senior stay back till very late for every practice.

and One day, while there is no practice for sec1, Mr. Goh was asking who want to buy the instument badge.

Therefore, the only sec.1 boy get to buy the badge while no other sec1 did (other than Fazz, she was in the main band by the time)

The cadets were told to sing to the concert.

that is "Triumphant Sprite"

I love to sing. and I love to perform.

However, I love the piece that the Seniors play.

I borrow the score home and tried out.

Think that one day I will be on the Stage of Moment 2006.

Dreaming that one day I can become like Karmen, conducting the band in a concert.

Hope that i can one day become like Yu Kueng, a commander.

I work for my best.

 

by the way, Cheryl share her dream with me, and then she became very good friend of mine.

We work together for our dreams.

 

After POP 2004,

lots of Senior were gone. and new leaders were out.

and I set my target on Stephanie, to become like her, better than her.

After lots of hard works, I was being look upon by Mr. Fong, and was being promoted into First Flute two days before National Day 2004.

Lots of hard works, and good luck, too.

I plays the first flute part for my very first band performance.

And I enjoy it.

 

From that time onward, I was sitting between Stephanie and Evon.

Maybe it's because of envy or cause of my attitude, Stephanie dislike me very much.

It's part of my fault,too. I was too proud.

I didn't think of her feeling and keep on challenging her.

yap, I make her cried.

Our relation was therfore, never be good after that.

 

Next,end of the year comes the SYF 2005.

The two piece that our band is going to play are "Singapore  Rhapsody" and " Out of the Shadow".

I really hopes that I can bring honor to the band.

By chance and luck, Stephanie was told to take care of the Piccolo Part.

Moreover, there is a flute solo line in one of the  piece.

Evon can't play it, as such I became the Soloist. (perhaps the very first sec1 soloist in the band history).

hmmm.... I guess Stephanie is very unhappy about it.

Due of the pressure of being a soloist, I work even harder than before. indeed.

I just hope to bring something for my band.

 

In one of the Sectional Practice with Mr.Fong. He told me that i need to play louder for the solo line.

I tried, but the sounds break when ever i go loud.

Mr fong said that I may because of the flute.

My flute is YFL-221II, a very begining model. He asked me that whether there is anymore flute other than mine.

Then I realize that there is a flute that was used by Cindy that is not in used now.

Next, I was told to use that flute, YFL-381.

It's mouth piece is mode of silver and indeed, it can play louder.

That day, Stephanie was not around.

and I didn't tell her about it. (but i did inform Cindy about that i had takeover her flute)

not sure why, maybe it's because that she was too cold to me and therefore i did not want to talk to me much.

Next, problem came.

She was VERY unhappy.

She ask me why, and I told her that because I was playing the solo line.

hmmmm.... I think that hurt her heart a bit, as it was hers line at first.

We didn't talk to each other for a while.

then comes ZZ, a boy that is younger than me.

He think he is a boss. btw, he is our Instrument Quarter Master.

He said I CAN"T use the flute because I have my own.

His reason was "You have your own, so you can't use the school one"

It means that a good flutist can't change his flute into a better flute because he already has one.

and he need to throw or distroy it before change his flute.

He ask Cheryl, YoungMin and Jian Yun who want to take that flute.

hmm... and they said they don't want.

However, ZZ said that whatever it's I can't used the flute because i have my own.

This event ended with that Cheryl said that she can take over my flute for m to take the new one.

This time, ZZ can't say anything.

 

on the SYF day, Stephanie, our P.P. keep on asking us to blow in warm air into our flutes

I didn't get her at all.We need less than one minute to warm the flute.

but there is few more hour before it's our turn to perform.

In the end, by the time for us to perform, she ran out of moisture to play her piccolo....

and I did quite fine.

 

Finally, We got a silver for it.

Not because me i guess, my solo was short and wasn't very good on the day.

It's by everyone.

 

Stephanie and I get slightly better from that time.

Maybe it's because that i knew that i was wrong, about my attitude

or  Maybe she realized that she wasn't allways right.

She tried to like me.

It's hard for her i guess but I know that she love my band, our band, and we have jounior (Agness) by the time.

Therefore I just realize that i was wrong for most of the time and start to like her.

After all she care lots about me, too.

 

Very Fast, POP 2005.

I was honor to be appointed to become the Principal Player and Concert Master for the band.

hmmm.... amount the sec 2s I get the highest position...

It's a great pressure... really..

I'm worried, that people were started saying that i'm proud.

It's very hard to judge between "proud" and "my Right".

I was just doing my part, for the band.

 

the sec 3 started to dislike me,

why? i don't know ,too.

There once, during the warmup, that we just can get right for a part.

I know it's not my fault, surely, because i'm the one who was conducting.

How fast or how slow, it's for me to make annotation.

There is no where on the score that say "It's slow for this" or "This one should be slow"

I was very down to hear people complaining about me.

Thanks to Stephanie, She told me lots of things and encourage me.

also thanks to Silvia for listening to my worries and stuffs..

and Cheryl and Kerby, too.

 

Next comes the bag thing..

In 2004, there is a cabinet of the library that is not in used and members are allow to use it to put their bags.

I put there all the time untill after POP 2004, the cabinet was being used as library.

Therefore I move my place to another cabinet under the HiFi. My bag is there all the time.

by the time for National day 2004, the UQM use it for the coat shoes. and there after, I started putting my bag beside the HiFi.

I put my bag there for a long time until after POP 2005.

One day, UQM, sandy told me that I should not put my bag there as the place is for the top fours.

well... who told her that? I had never heard of that funny rule.

As such I didn't care of that much.

After that, one day, while we are prepare for warmup, YB shouted," Jack, you are not big enough to put your bag HERE! Plz take your bag AWAY!" (btw, I was not too sure about the statement, but something like that).

 

Where the hell did that rule come from? I don't know. but I think what YB is always right.

I respect YB very much since Sec 1, he is a smart boy and know lots of thing, moreover he is a very nice guy.

That's ture, really. Those who don't believe plz ask Kerby.

I didn't think a lot for that shouting, maybe it's just because that it was a unhappy day for him.

After that, I put my bag at the other side of the HiFi, far away from the "place for bag of top four only".

 

There was a question here.

I realize that Sandy's bag was always at the "place for bag of top four only".

why? I don't know.

Maybe there is a new rule that says "UQM is now a higher rank than CM".

Who knows? and I try to care less before becoming the  target of everyone.

 

and then, one day, I forget what is the reason, only sure that it's DEFINITELY NOT my wrong.

But "One Band, one sound"

the whole band was being down. and YB scolded us for a long time.

Though that i was being punished too, i was happy that my fellow band mates had learn a lesson today.

as such, I was smiling.

When fall out, YB called me,together with Jasmine and Sandy.

He ask me, " why are you smiling?"

before i can give any answer,

he started saying (not sure of what really is, but something like that), :

 

"Do you know that we see you as the biggest trouble of the band?

You are in our BLACK LIST and same in the top4 before.

You had no respect to Seniors AT ALL!

...........etc etc etc etc

BLAHBLAHBLAHR

 

[AT ALL AT ALL AT ALL AT ALL AT ALL AT ALL AT ALL AT ALL AT ALL AT ALL AT ALL AT ALL !!1]"

 

I don't know what happened right after that, just that his voice keep on echoing in my mind.

I walked to the bus stop, on the way i cried, never ever before.

I had never cried in public for all my years in singapore.

His words hurt me sooo much that i nearly quit the band. really.

 

I gave lots lots of hardwork and time to the band.

and i respect the leader much more than others.

I just don't understand... really...

 

I felt very down for the month.

I come up an idea of leaving this place.

Thanks to Kerby, Cheryl, Silvia and Stephanie, I pass the time with their  encouragement.

However I was never love the band as ever anymore.

I tried to care less about the band.

Do less, speak less. Follow the others.

any way, the event had distroy part of me.

 

By this time, I plan to leave here.

Not really because of the band but a tiny part i guess.

I think in all my band life in BBSS, I was never being respected by anyone.

For all, (not to mean anything) I'm just the shadow of Stephanie.

 

hmmm..... the last part of my band life was surely nice.

Not sure of why.

Maybe because human only cherish their thing when they lost it.

I was really touch by the band on the last day about the cake.

However I didn't cried, if i cried, others may cry, too, then I can't stand that pain.

so i don't cry

 

Well... BBSS Concert Band is a very important part of my life.

I'm sorry that i really didn't do much for her.

SORRY

 

All I can say is:

THANK YOU

It's to every one

specifically to:

 

Kerby, who is alway beside me.

Silvia, who is alway there for me

Cheryl, who share my thought

Stephanie, who teach me lots of things

Evon,Agness, Ashikin and Daniel for laughing with me

Dianne, YoungMin, De Young, and Kitmen for listening to my unhappyness

Ms N. H.H. , Mr Goh and Mr Fong for their guiding

Top fours 2005,  Jian Yun , Jerrold, Berry, Esther, Sohee, Sunghee, Karmen, Yu Kueng and Cindy

Lastly, to all for being part of my life.

 

Jack

Philharmoniker

 

08:02 pm

26. Aug. 2006, Vancouver

 

P.S. Thanks for reading. Tell me your feeling too ok? I'll write about the POP 2006 next time.

so Keep passing by ok? Thanks!

hmm.. I slept untill nearly 12pm before I get out of my bed today.

 

Had a dream, quite a strange one.

I'm not too sure about how it's started, what I can remember is that... well.. alright, it's like this:

 

Late a night, I was study in my desk in my room (the one in Singapore, Hume Ave.)

I was looking out my window and i realize that my curtain was being pull out of the window by whatever it is.

Next, I walk toward my window to find out what's up, and i realized that there was a girl grabing it and she is going to fall.

The girl is very samll in size, and it was SoHee.

I'm not too sure why she appeared in my dream?

maybe it's because that she is one of the smallest girl i known.

back to the story, I tried to pull the curtain to save her as my room is in eight floor (but i can see there is cloud below her... why?.. because it's a dream)

I tried but can't help.

Then I took my phone and called.

I want to call the policeOffice but i didn't call 999 (Police for Singapore) nor 911(Police for Canada).

I called "9-9-1".....funny...(=.=|||)

Next, someone pick up the call and said that all line are engaged and ask me to call another number.

I called again, but it's the same, still.

And by now i  know that I had no time, cause she is going to fall any time.

As such, i ran out of the door to take a lift but it's was in use.

so i climb the stairs...

Just when I reached the first floor, she fell down.

 

I woke up..

but I think i did save her, did i? who knows?

 

Today is the Passing down for my band.

I really hope that the tops are someone who can really bring up my band to a higher peak  aka to replace me.

If not I'll feel really bad.

 

Alright, I'll write more about it when i know the result..

hmmmm... but i think i can't sleep tonight before i know the result.

I'll pray for it.

HAHAz!

 

Philharmoniker

12.32 am , Vancouver

26 August  2006